First off, I am very sorry to hear that you were sexually assaulted. It is a terrible and traumatic thing for anyone to have to go through, and no one deserves such treatment, regardless of the circumstances. So know that I stand with you as a fellow survivor, and know that I am glad that you are still here to tell your truth.

As to your question, I think you have to do what you feel safest with. If you are not ready to talk to anyone else, you don’t have to. But if you want to, you can. You really can, even though it feels so scary. Know how I know? Because you just did so with me. So you can do it with someone else, too.

I personally felt safest talking to a therapist about it first, because I felt certain she would not turn away from me or tell anyone else before I was ready. Both those things are part of a therapist’s job. So I felt safer. The path may be different for you–I can’t say.

I do know it is scary to open up. I was scared as hell when I went into therapy. And it wasn’t easy to tell someone else all that stuff. At the same time, I can tell you that for me until I did that, I always felt trapped in my patterns and emotion saround the assault. I never felt like I was able to heal or move forward at all from all the ways my assault had impacted my life and personality–it was only when I sought out a therapist to help me work through it, and decided I was going to lay it ALL out on the table, no matter how ugly, that I was able to break through some of that sadness and anger and bewilderment and shame I had around it.

So for me, going to a therapist totally helped. I would never have been able to write this post that you just read without therapy. I have wonderful, loving friends and family, but when I told a couple of friends and my mother about the assault, they were not very helpful to me. Not many people know how to help a survivor through their healing, or even what to say to help them feel safe and heard and understood (and not blamed or somehow “weird”).

One thing I also want to point out, though, is if you are thinking about trying therapy, know that not all therapists are trained to work with sexual assault issues. I’ve heard some stories from fellow survivors that have demonstrated that not *any* therapist will be understanding or know how to handle this topic. So if you do want to talk to someone, I suggest you do what I did…seek out a therapist who has a specialization or a lot of experience in dealing with assault survivors. You can check out therapists’ web sites (if they have them and see what they specialize in. You can call them and ask. Or, you can call your local rape crisis center (you can find the nearest ones to you using the form here), and ask them for suggestions or even if they offer free counseling. Most of the rape crisis centers near me offer free counseling for some period of time, and they are all staffed by therapists who are specially focused in dealing with assault issues. These centers also usually have sexual assault support groups, where you can meet weekly and talk with other sexual assault survivors. That was a bit too scary for me to do at first, I started with a therapist first, but eventually I went to two of these groups (they are free!) and it was SO helpful and comforting to be able to talk with and listen to other women and know I was not alone in experiencing the feelings and the history I had. You may prefer to do a group before you do individual therapy. Or maybe both at the same time…it’s all about what you think you’d find most appealing.

There are a lot of people out there you can talk to. And I do agree with Eve Ensler in the quote in my post…naming it, talking about it…this is the one thing that can set all of us survivors free.

I wish you great good luck in your healing! I think you are on your way already, because you are asking the questions and it sounds to me like you are getting yourself geared up for the next step. Bravo for you, brave one. :) I promise you, you will be amazed at what you are capable of accomplishing.

I have to say, I’m impressed. Not many people would be comfortable sharing something like that, let alone on the WWW. My hat is off to you, and thanks for sharing. I hope this inspires others to share their stories as well, so that we can better understand and combat this kind of happening.

Thanks again.

M

I’m speechless.

Your bravery and strength in posting this… it blows me away. You are an amazing person.

I speak only from my experience of course, and what I know personally of a few other survivors I know. Even after I had supportive statements and other people told me they thought it was definitely rape, it still took me a while to fully process that myself. But it certainly did help to have others feel it was.

I’m not saying positive external validation isn’t important. Just that it isn’t enough on its own. At least, it wasn’t for me. In my experience, it has to be something one comes to internally, too, not just externally.

I was talking about it with a friend — I don’t remember how we got onto the subject, but we were trading assault experiences — and hers registered to me as grievously awful, something unspeakable, something that was a “legitimate” thing to be hurt by, to be a survivor of. (The scare quotes are because I spent so much time feeling the whole ‘It wasn’t so bad, I wasn’t actually raped, I don’t have legitimate grounds for being damaged’ thing.)

When I told her my story, she thought it was horrible.

And somehow, that made it okay in my head to be hurt by it — having a validation from someone I recognised as a legitimate survivor. It just took the one, but I couldn’t do it on my own.