Addendum
In rereading last night’s post, I’m not feeling comfortable with how the last three paragraphs read. Or rather, I think their meaning can be misread. So just to clarify in case it sounded this way to anyone, I have absolutely NO desire to perpetrate physical harm on anyone else. It’s not within my makeup to do that. I was thinking more along the lines of some female-centric version of a Frank T.J. Mackey “Seduce and Destroy” kind of thing. And that sort of thing that doesn’t really do any party any good in the end or have any positive outcomes (at least, it wouldn’t for me). It’s taking desire and misdirecting it in unhealthy ways. That’s what I meant about destroying lives, even my own.
Nonetheless, the word choice I came up with subconsciously last night leaves me feeling as if I have some thinking to do about this kind of impulse and what’s really behind it. It’s too much for me to examine right now in the early in the morning, but it’s definitely something I might want to think about more when I am ready.
Posted by dea on Jul 30, 2008 in recovery, sex, sexual assault ·
Obviously you need to say what you need to say, but you know what? I think you should un-publish this disclaimer now. Your previous post was fabulous.
I’m going to keep it up because there’s some stuff I want to remember about it.
There is something about the last part, where I’m essentially saying I want to be out of control and completely released from all responsibility for my actions while controlling someone else’s (notice I didn’t say *I* wanted to come and come and come…none of it was about getting me physical pleasure–it was all about the mental pleasure of making someone else do something) that needs to be examined. That post was written very unconsciously and I didn’t think about word choice much. And I think reading it the next day after I was out of my “trance” brought some surprising things to light.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to uncork the id that way in writing. Whatever the result, the process is a thing of beauty.
Agreed. :)
I did think the way it read was good. It’s why I hit publish, even though it was so extremely personal and possibly so very not pretty. Except it was pretty. In its way.
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