Once, a long time ago, I was listening to an adult entertainer on the Howard Stern show, and when asked if she would try the Sybian, she said she would, but she was doubtful of the effects, because she didn’t do machinery well. She was, she said, “More of a cock and hand girl.”

I can relate. For years, I’ve heard women extol the virtues of vibrators and the orgasms they got from them…and after enthusiastically going out and trying a few myself, I was left wondering what the fuss was about. I have never had trouble reaching orgasm, either alone or with others; so on that count, a vibe didn’t seem like a necessary tool. But given the extreme enthusiasm I saw other women expressing about them, I wondered if perhaps vibes could deliver additional benefits beyond that: like much more extreme, powerful orgasms, delivered more quickly, for instance. And of course, a vibe would mean less mess (in a way), if that’s something one considers a drawback to manual stimulation.

Anyway, over the years I bought and tried out a couple of vibes (these were all battery operated models) to see if this hypothesis might hold water, and found it that for me, it didn’t. Vibrators all seemed too weak, too ineffective, and I took LONGER to orgasm with a vibe than I would through any human-created way. Nor were the orgasms stronger; and quite often they were less strong, less extreme, and less pleasurable than the ones I could give myself alone, or that others gave me. So I gave up on vibrators. They were expensive, I told myself, and paying so much without any guarantee of better pleasure seemed a bad investment.

However, before I threw in the towel on this experiment forever, there were two vibrators I wanted to try out–two vibrators that are spoken of with almost religious awe. I’m talking, of course, about the two most powerful vibes in the known universe–the Eroscillator and the Hitachi Magic Wand. I figured if anything was going to work for me in the vibe department, it would be one of these two, or I could give up trying completely.

Well, I’m pleased to report that this birthday season was a happy one for me and my vagina. I received not one, but BOTH of these mythological pleasure creatures only a week apart from each other. The first, the Eroscillator, was sent to me by a very generous friend who I can’t thank enough. The second, and the one I’m going to write about today, the Hitachi Magic Wand, was sent to me to try out by the fabulous Eden Fantasys, in exchange for an honest review.

I am just so delighted that my experiment can continue!

So, let’s talk Hitachi.

I was so excited when this box arrived in the mail (in very discreet packaging from a very non-obvious return address, I might add–well done on the privacy front, Eden Fantasys!). This vibe has staying power–it has probably been talked about and praised for more decades than any other vibe on earth. What’s even more interesting is that while everyone seems to know of it and use it strictly as a vibe, its reputation as such is still entirely spread by word of mouth. Nowhere on its box or instruction manual will you ever get any indication that it can be used as anything other than a “house hold [sic] electric massager.”

 And speaking of the Magic Wand’s box, Hitachi appears to have not changed its packaging since the mid-’80s. Check out those aerobicisers! Well, who wouldn’t need a good massage after one of those intense Jane Fonda workouts? Heh, if I didn’t know Eden Fantasys’s reputation and the constantly high demand for this vibe (it often sells out, and there was a near panic when Hitachi discontinued it for a few years a while back), I would have guessed from the box design that the store had had this sitting on the shelf for a few decades.

As to the instruction manual that comes with it, as I mentioned above, if you’re looking for detailed instructions on how exactly to use it in order to achieve orgasm, you’re not going to find them there–you’ll have to check out Eden Fantasys’s helpful staff and user reviews and product info or go a-Googling. Though I’ll admit that regardless, the instruction manual WAS still a fun read–in an amusingly bossy translated-into-English-by-a-non-native-speaker way:

“The rated maximum continuous use of your massager is 25 minutes. That’s really long enough.”

It also told me the Hitachi can “remove everyday dullness.” Wow, it really IS a magic wand. I totally need to bring it to my next work meeting.

Anyway, enough about the box and paper. Onto the wand itself.

The Hitachi Magic Wand (henceforth, HMW) doesn’t really look like a wand at all. This is no gentle, airy, thin little twig wafted about by dainty fairies. In reality, the HMW looks more like a really massive microphone from back in the ’80s, with an era-appropriate white and turquoise Miami Vice colored design. And it’s heavy. This is not the vibe you want to take with you on a trip if you’re worried your luggage might go over the weight limit.

But this baby pretty much needs to have a substantial build, because it’s POWERFUL. In fact, I’m willing to bet it’s the strongest vibrator on earth. Without sturdy construction, the vibrations would pretty much shake the whole thing to pieces.

The Hitachi is a plug-in only vibe, which is a plus in terms of bringing you that power. On the minus side, the cord is pretty short. The outlet I tested it out on is at the head of my bed. When plugged in there, the hitachi barely reached to the middle of the bed. So those who want great freedom of movement or whose outlets aren’t all that near where they want to use it are probably going to need an extension cord.

 The HMW is controlled by a two-sided switch which gives you two options: low and high. But really they should be called “high” and “jackhammer, ” because seriously, even the lowest setting is going to give you more power than any regular vibe. Another thing you need to know: it’s loud. Easily the loudest vibe I’ve ever heard. If you have any need in your home environment to make sure no one knows you’re using a vibrator, this absolutely ain’t the model for you.

On the other hand, if you’ve always wished in the midst of a session that your current toy(s) would just get a little stronger, for god’s SAKE, like I tended to do, you’ll find the HMW delivers in spades on that front. The HMW is what I tend to call a “shaky vibe”–rather than rotate or oscillate, it basically shakes really, really hard. So hard that when you put it against you, it’s pretty close to feeling like a mild pummeling. Not in a painful way, but still. It’s not a gentle vibe.

And in line with that, while it certainly delivers in strength, it lacks a bit in finesse. This is an external vibe (unless you buy separate attachments to go over the top) and the head is BIG. Don’t expect it to be able to subtly hone in on your clitoris; if you’re getting your clit all shook up, you’re also going to get a whole lot of the area around it pummeled, too. I found this a little frustrating because, due to the HMW’s extreme power (and I could only orgasm on the highest setting), my entire nether regions other than my clitoral area would quickly become numb, and it would take a while after I turned off the vibe for sensation to come back. I find it a bit freaky to walk around with a numb pudenda. It just feels wrong.

But did it get me to orgasm? Yes it did. And possibly a little faster than other shaky vibes have done in the past–but not so much so that I’d write home about it. On the intensity front, it did deliver quite an intense orgasm, if I was willing to hang in there and wait for it and ignore the numbness slowly creeping into my nether-regions. However, I tend to be extremely sensitive in the seconds after I come, and the HMW bangs against the body so hard that if I wasn’t careful to remove it immediately upon orgasmic explosion, the situation got somewhat painful. That was a definite con for me–during those moments, I don’t want to have to take the time to THINK or DO anything; I just want to ride it out. It was impossible for me to do so with the Hitachi. I either had to keep the vibe there and put up with some oversensitivity-induced pain during the coming down part of the orgasm, or I had to settle for the stimulation being IMMEDIATELY withdrawn upon the first big orgasmic spasm, which for me felt sort of like a lover bringing you to orgasm and then while you’re still mid-writhe, he walks abruptly out of the room.

So, all in all, what has this experience added to my ongoing vibe experiment? Well, by testing out the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy of shaky vibes, I think I’ve established that I am just not built for shaky vibes in general, no matter how powerful they are.

BUT, if you have tried other shaky-style vibes and found great pleasure in them, I think you’d be a fool to not try the HMW. Because whatever orgasm you’re getting from those vibes is likely to be turned up to 11 with the Hitachi Magic Wand.

To sum up:

Pros: Massively powerful; not a blatant sex toy–easy to cover up as “just a massager” if necessary (that is, assuming you have a bunch of ignorant friends or airline bag inspectors who don’t know the HMW’s reputation); substantially sized and easy to grip

Cons: SO powerful you may experience numbness if you’re the sensitive type; loud; a bit heavy; cord’s a little too short

And once again, many thanks to Eden Fantasys for giving me an opportunity to do a test run. Seriously, go check out their site. It’s sophisticated and easy to use, and totally customer friendly. They’re really good about including every ounce of information about their products you could ever want, from safety and popularity ratings to cleaning tips–and they put up every single user review submitted, including the negative ones, so that you can get a wide spectrum of opinion on any toy before you buy. I can be a bit of a research whore before I buy something, so the site really pleased me on that front. And as you can see from the review above, I’m not the type to praise something if I don’t mean it.

And I’d also be remiss if I didn’t thank the splendiferous AAG for helping to organize all the details that made this possible. Thanks, darlin’.