Poem: “The Laughing Heart” by Charles Bukowski. Bet you didn’t know he ever wrote positive stuff.

When I was an undergraduate, there was a very large, heavy curved bench hewn out of gray stone that sat just outside one of the Arts buildings. Aside from the fact that it was big and ornately carved, one might not think much about it. It was utilitarian. People used it to sit on or rest things on as they came in and out of the side of the building, and not much else.

But there was a secret about that bench, that not many people knew, or took the time to discover.

If you went there at night when it was quiet…

and you sat at one end of the bench, with your back against the arm rest…

and another person sat far, far away, all the way at the other end of the curved bench facing you in the same pose …

and you both leaned your heads to the side to touch the curved stone back of the bench…

…and you whispered something almost imperceptibly into the stone…

…the curve would carry the sound around the curve into the ear of the other person and they could hear you like you were whispering right into their ear.

Someone, at some time, designed this bench on purpose, to carry a whisper around a curve. Someone took the time to do that, instead of just making it a regular bench.

I loved that when someone showed it to me for the first time. And I loved it each time I showed it to another person and their eyes lit up with delight and amazement.

I still love that.

I’ve been thinking about that bench tonight. And suddenly I long to feel myself sitting at one end of the whisper seat, with my ear leaned against the cold stone…

And to have someone there with me, who I could seat at the other end and whisper back and forth with, feeling our smiles light up in the cold, dark night. Just us, two points on a continuous curve.

So generally, I’d say it was about 50-50.

McCain appeared to be the far more confident speaker, better at delivery; Obama stuttered, “um”-ed and paused a lot more.

Obama answered questions more directly, and appeared not to be trying to twist realities to create a smokescreen “truth” that wasn’t really accurate, the way McCain did quite a few times.

McCain’s constant “Senator Obama seems not to understand” refrain was a clear tactic his team hammered into him that he better use, and it was really annoying and obvious after the third time and just insulting after the umpteenth time. And it was a shame Obama wasn’t better at recovering from it without ending up on the offensive. It would have been pretty easy to do, simply by going, “Well, actually, what Senator McCain doesn’t seem to understand is…”

In fact, McCain gave Obama quite a few openings to really lay in about McCain’s voting record related to the current economic crisis with cold, hard facts, and for some reason Obama held off, went for generalities, and instead kept focusing on Bush, which I found disappointing. He also never went in for the kill when he could have, like when McCain said in a general way, “I’ve never supported tax cuts for the rich” (or however he phrased it) with absolutely no examples to back it up, and Obama could have gone right in there and proved him wrong, but he didn’t do so with any real authority.

Obama had the only good, memorable comeback of the night with the axe vs. scalpel metaphor. He also generally did a good job of deflecting McCain’s accusations of him. I just wish he’d done as much direct confronting as he did deflecting. I think he did an okay job at it, but he could have been just a little stronger.

McCain, on the other hand, tended to ramble a bit…especially during his discussion of North Korea…and really didn’t answer much of anything except for his immediate, across-the-board spending freeze solution (how bad would that be?!?).  I loved (cough) how he said how he loved the veterans and would take care of them, despite not explaining any programs he’d support to do so. Same with the health care issue. Also, the whole “I’ll deflect any direct answer of what I actually did/will do with my standard ‘I’m a maverick!!!’ and ‘I’m not Miss Congeniality’ catch phrases” tactic is just really, really annoying. Senator McCain, saying you’re a maverick doesn’t tell us anything. All it tells us is that you’ll be a completely unpredictable president. Tell us what. you. are. going. to. do. And defend your record. I mean, well, obviously you can’t, because much of it is indefensible. Which is why you pull out the maverick bullshit. But really. We’re not that dumb.

Anyway. I thought McCain’s closing was stronger in terms of validating his belief that he’s up for the job; Obama’s instance on using “we” rather than “I” to sum up what he will do felt less strong of a  power “job interview” closing. However, his focus on restoring the relationship of America with the rest of the world was a good one.

Overall, I wouldn’t say either candidate was a clear “winner.” I think at best both candidates probably kept their base solid, but may not have been energetic or skilled enough to have pulled anyone in from the other side, or from the independents. If I was a middle-of-the-road person, I think it would have been hard for me to to decide what to do; although perhaps Obama had a slight edge in that he’s offering something new within a tired system. Or at least, he says he is. I’m not convinced he is all that far left, actually. I think his administration would support measured change, at best. But at this point, any change is better than none.

Now I’m looking forward to next week’s presidential debate. I don’t expect it to be satisfying in terms of debate. Watching it’ll be like watching an tony-winning actor trying to perform a dramatic dialogue with a plaster manniquen equipped with a miked, pre-recorded voicebox stuck inside it. But it will certainly be an interesting experiment to watch.

So I am about to make myself a little nighttime snack (hot chai with almond milk, and this yummy seeded bread, toasted and spread with cashew butter and raw honey, and topped with slices of banana), in preparation to cosy up on this rainy night and watch the Obama/McCain debate. Anyone else gearing up to watch?

I have to admit, I haven’t been this excited about a debate since…well, ever.

I want Obama to kick ass and take names up to six generations back.

So anyway, lemme know what your thoughts are about it once it’s done (or even during!). I don’t have the multitasking ability to watch and liveblog at the same time, so I am gonna switch off to watch it. But may check in just after to share some thoughts…

I’m told that sometime tonight or tomorrow the two big, burly men who do mysterious things to my back end (of my blog, that is), are going to be doing some renovations to the system. They tell me they’ll be packing up my domain/blog and moving it to a new, improved, oooh-you-are-so-big server.

If all goes well, all this will mean for you is a very slight down time for the blog and then everything will look exactly the same as always.

If all doesn’t go well, then you’ll know why I’m down, and it’ll be fixed eventually.

In the meantime, enjoy the delicious suspense of it all…

For those of you who’d like an update on the progress of topic of the last post, here it is.

Heard back from MOS. It’s a friends thing. It was transmitted very congenially and politely (if days after the fact), with complete interest expressed in still doing things together should I be interested.

I still think I haven’t completely lost my radar; I’m pretty certain a number of signs of attraction were there. But maybe I’m just more than he can handle conceptually, what with all the differences. Or maybe I was totally off. Who knows. Probably doesn’t matter.

Now, on to working to keep myself from believing (as I have normally done) that this response has global-scale implications about my overall desirability/worth to everyone else in the entire world…

I think I can do that. But really, sometimes I wish my mind would cut me a break and just gift me the confidence to instantly see these things as inconsequential gnat-size incidents, instead of always tending toward trying to to build it up into a maelstrom. It would be nice to not have to work so hard to keep things under control and in perspective.

Also–he’s still inviting me to go along with him on Saturday if I want. But as a positive action, when I didn’t hear from him until (now) two and a half days before said event, I went and planned something else to do on that day with someone else instead. So I at least managed to do that instead of keeping everything else open in order to wait for his response. I think it’s a bad idea to revolve my plans around vague hints offered by someone who can’t commit to a plan, or thinks I have no life and can just wait around for their whim. Been there, done that. Not anymore. I’m not gonna wait around for anyone who’s being ambivalent about wanting to spend time with me, whether friend or date.

Your opinion is requested. All of your opinions; but most especially if you are a male, because clearly I can not figure you guys out.

Okay. So given that I’d put myself on an extended dating hiatus during the last few years, it may be my skills are rusty, but not so rusty that I don’t generally recognize at least some signs of interest. But I’ve been mulling this one over in my head for a while and I’m not sure what to think. And it bugs me. Maybe you can offer an opinion. Here are the facts as they stand:

1) I met a particular male of species (MOS) who I find visually attractive a couple of months back through a few friend-group events at nightclubs.

2) MOS has progressively begun to speak to me more and more at these events.

3) MOS has recently (over the last 2-3 weeks) developed a lengthy email habit with me (by this I mean the emails are long in length, covering a variety of topics we’re both interested in; and occur at least a couple of times a week) in which many get-to-know-me-better conversations are shared. These include mentions of life philosophies, politics, light jokes about sex, and the mailing of article links that he thinks might spur my interest if I haven’t written in a few days.

4) The emails also generally suggest doing various activities (“this is coming up next saturday,” “I read about this cool play I’m interested in,” “I’d be interested in going to that thing you mentioned,” but fall short of the traditionally obvious, “Will you go out with me on said date?”

5) While some of the email conversation has skirted around some sex and relationship related topics, and some of that has been jokey, nothing has been *directly* flirty (as in, I’ve given him some conversational openings that would have allowed him to flirt jokingly about me in particular to indicate personal interest in me, and he hasn’t taken the bait–he keeps the topic generic and not personal).

6) In the last email exchange, MOS gives me a rundown of what’s happened with him since the weekend and mentions that at a club last week, after having a few drinks, he arranged to go on a date with a girl, which he did on Wednesday, but it turned out the girl “is not his type” and that he should have known better than to ask someone out at a club after a few drinks because compatibility judgment can be impaired.

7) There were plans being made to go out with usual friends’ group tonight. MOS expressed interest to me about knowing what I was doing before major group activity, and thought he might want to go along (I was planning on going to dinner with a friend); asked me to keep him informed.

8) On day of potential dinner, I emailed MOS to let him know other friend had bailed on dinner due to acceptable excuse, but that I would still be willing to go to dinner with him if he felt like it; he should please inform. (This would allow him his first opportunity for real alone time with me if he wanted to take it.)

9) MOS did not answer email all day.

10) I wrote at end of work day to say I was assuming he wouldn’t be able to make dinner based on not hearing so here was the time we’d be at the event and I’d see him there. (It was already confirmed he was going to said event.) Provided my numbers in case he had any questions re the plans.

11) That evening, I am getting myself done up to go to event; about an hour before I need to leave the house–too late to have dinner at that point. MOS calls. (I am surprised by this.) MOS says he wanted to let me know he only just got my email just then. I am pleasant and say no worries, no problem at all (and I mean it), we’ll just see him there. MOS pauses and then tells me what time he plans to be there. I say okay. MOS seems flustered, like he’s not sure what to say next, but appears to not want to get off the phone. I ask him a few polite questions; which he starts answering. Then I suggest we finish the conversation at the event. We hang up.

12) At event, MOS spends time with other friends, but appears to be taking opportunities to talk to me alone. When I go to the bar to buy a drink for myself and a friend, two minutes later he is at the bar to, so he says, order a drink for himself and while he’s at it order one for our other friend in common  (a female, married). But instead  he talks to me for probably 20 minutes and does not order a drink; lets the bartender ignore him. Finally bartender asks him directly what he wants and he orders a drink for the friend and just pours himself a glass of water.

13) Other similar things happen throughout the night. For inst, I leave the group, who is dancing, to sit down at a booth and wait out a song I don’t particularly like. He follows and sits down in booth with me. Talks with me for long time. At another point, I indicate to the group that I am going to the bar to get some water. He says he thinks he will join me. More talking. Etc. 

14) However, NO FLIRTING during any of these conversations. Just pleasant conversation, sometimes deep stuff, sometimes clever sarcasm, sometimes jokes…like that. But never even a slightly direct flirt. 

15) He re-points out to me (just pointed out in an email the day before) that a bi-monthly arts event that I had mentioned a while back that I wanted to check out next time around is next Saturday and that he is planning on going to it. But he does not DIRECTLY ask if I want to go with him;  the tone is more like he is just letting me know it is happening and he is going. It seems I’m open to invite myself along, but it seems he is avoiding asking, “Do you want to go with me?” It is an extremely casual mention, and quickly dropped when I offer a kind of vague “Oh yeah, that is coming up isn’t it; I was reading about the theme” response (because I feel weird inserting myself in someone else’s plans if I can’t tell if they’re really into me being there).

16) Throughout the night, MOS shows no interest in trying to meet or speak to any other women at the event besides me (other than our married friend); and there are many women available there to meet–an opportunity that another male in our group takes full advantage of.

17) Toward the end of the night, he spends a some time dancing with our married friend, but at the end of the night, comes back around to dance with and talk to me before he leaves. 

18) As we leave, I offer MOS a ride to a metro stop (out of the way for me, but more safe for him, because otherwise he has to run to catch the very last metro of the night near the venue we’re at before it leaves and he’s stuck–and time is short). Note: this would allow him his SECOND opportunity for real alone time with me if he wanted to take it.

19) MOS turns down the offer and opts to grab the one that is a closer walk to the club (but that he has to dash to and may miss).

So–opinions? Is he interested? Confused? Trying to suss out my level of interest first before jumping in there? Just being polite to an old chick? And should I even be concerned about this given the age difference? OR given that I really want a guy who has the confidence and fortitude to come out and say if he likes me and wants to go on a date? I really don’t want to have to do all the work yet again. I want to be pursued. Obviously pursued, so there’s no doubt.

I don’t know who this Jim White character is, but he’s got the “sitting alone at midnight, in the summer, thinking” feel down pat.

Thanks, Ben. Sorry I didn’t appreciate this one quickly enough when you sent it. It’s lovely.

- – -

Photo credit: Midnight playing, by Juän_, via Flickr. Click on the photo to see it on the artist’s page.

I don’t know why I’m bothering because at this point I’m sure no one’s reading anymore.

Tonight I’m feeling pretty miserable. Rule 1: don’t watch romantic comedies during PMS-danger-zone times of the month. Rule 2: don’t cancel social plans due to rainy weather in order to sit at home watching romantic comedies during PMS-danger-zone times of the month.

All I can say is tonight I’m tired. Not usually. Usually I’m hopeful. But tonight, I feel tired. There’s been a long road with lots of walking and lots of tasks and lots of little victories gathered from unexpected nests along the way like precious little blue speckled eggs into a wicker basket. I look down at the accumluation and I am grateful. I really am. But it’s taken a lot of work and my feet are tired.

So I’m just putting out there, that maybe once in a while, I’d like a big victory. Like right now, for instance. A big victory, delivered fast, with no work, and delivered to me by someone who wouldn’t mind staying for a spell. Actually, not just who wouldn’t mind–someone who really thinks staying for a spell would be the best thing in the world they could ever imagine. 

I’m sick of being lonely and I want to remember what it feels like to be wanted. By someone I want, that is.

I’m also sick of being at a loss of who I’d feel okay calling and telling this to other than a blog. I miss my best friends. I mean, they’re all still alive, of course. But I mean I miss them the way they were before, when they had the time to care and to rank me among their primary people to care about.

When I was twenty and standing in some pub in Galway laughing with my best friend in the world, being unexpectedly serenaded by men on a stage with guitars, I never imagined this picture, this future me, this me I am now, typing this tonight.

And I wonder if anything beautiful and rare like that would ever happen again for me, no longer being a twenty-year-old girl. And I wish I’d appreciated it more back then. Those dumb little romantic things in life.

That is all.

Here’s a cool meme that’s been going around that triggers the bragging instinct in every foodie geek. I’ve seen it on many sites, but it originated here as The Omnivore’s Hundred, a subjective list of 100 food items( (not all gourmet, but all “iconic” in their way) that Andrew Wheeler, co-author of the British food blog Very Good Taste, thinks every omnivore should try at least once in her or his life.

Here are the rules:
1. Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2. Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3. Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4. Optional extra: post a comment on Very Good Taste, linking to your results.

My list is below. I’ve added some comments here and there after some items for context.

I’ve tried 70 items on the list–pretty damn good. I am missing 30 items, but most of them I’d try if the opportunity arose. Nothing on the list scares me; some of them I don’t get why anyone would want to try, because they don’t really seem like “food” to me, but I wouldn’t hesitate to try them, anyway. I’ve crossed out only the extreme chili-based foods, pretty much, because my genetics gave me no tolerance for them at ALL. However, given the choice of chili or death, I’d eat even the chilis. 

So how many can you boast? If you do this one on your blog, let me know in the comments so I can check it out.  If you don’t have a blog, you can always put your list in the comments. And do you think he left anything out that you’d add?

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros (not tried only because of my inability to tolerate chilis, but I’ve had similar egg blends that weren’t quite the traditional dish)
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile (I have had alligator, though)
6. Black pudding  (in Spain, went under a different name)
7. Cheese fondue (oh, so many times)
8. Carp (in the form of gefilte fish)
9. Borscht (my grandmother was Russian)
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Phở
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart 
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes (plum wine and mead–well, okay, honey isn’t technically a fruit, but I feel the need to mention it)
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream (but I didn’t like it when I tried it as a kid and haven’t had it since…wonder if I should try again)
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries (wild raspberries and blackberries along hiking trails in Oregon)
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper (again, I am unable to eat chilis, otherwise I’d try it)
27. Dulce de leche (I’ve had it as ice cream, but not the traditional dish)
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda (I’d never even heard of this before, and now I’m desperate to try it. Where does one find it?)
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi (I’ve had plain and mango lassi, but not salted)
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float (I may have had a tiny taste of someone’s as a kid, but I hate soda, so, not counting this one)
36. Cognac with a fat cigar (cognac, but no cigar)
37. Clotted cream tea (have had clotted cream, but not in tea…?)
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo 
40. Oxtail (in soup)
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects (cicada)
43. Phaal (again, chilis. sigh.)
44. Goat’s milk (in cheese, but not liquid form)
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/€80/$120 or more (oh yes. yes, yes.)
46. Fugu (I’d only eat from a very reputable chef)
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel 
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut* (why do people keep insisting these are better than other donut shops’ donuts? They’re not.)
50. Sea urchin (yes, yes, yes!)
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone (in sushi, but I can’t even remember what i tasted like)
54. Paneer (mixed into Indian dishes)
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal 
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini (hate gin. Dirty VODKA martini, yes.)
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine (I would love to try this, but have never come across it)
60. Carob chips (in every trail mix in the 70s)
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin (Huh? I guess I’d try it, but…is this technically a food? I thought it was a digestive additive. I’ve never even heard it’s had a distinct taste. What’s the point?)
64. Currywurst (never even heard of it before)
65. Durian (I’ve had durian-flavored gelato, but not the fruit itself)
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake (no, yes, yes, and yes)
68. Haggis (both original and vegetarian!)
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette (but I have had kishka, which is kind of the Jewish equivalent)
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe (I haven’t had the traditional sugar preparation, but I’ve had lots of absinthe, so I’m counting it)
74. Gjetost, or brunost (LOVE it)
75. Roadkill (only if I were desperate, and it would depend on what the roadkill was exactly, but I’m loathe to say never, so I won’t cross it out)
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini (I think)
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare (I can’t remember, but there’s a possibility I’ve had this)
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse (I wasn’t going to cross this out, but every time I thought about trying it, I got a queasy feeling. Who knew this would be my one gross-out factor, even above roadkill? I guess, like roadkill, I’d eat it if I were desperate, though.)
90. Criollo chocolate (I would assume so)
91. Spam 
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa (chilis)
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox (please. hello?)
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee (it’s likely, but I rarely pay attention to the kind of drip coffee I’m served; I only really like espresso)
100. Snake (in soup)