Category — dating/relationships

For those of you who’d like an update on the progress of topic of the last post, here it is.

Heard back from MOS. It’s a friends thing. It was transmitted very congenially and politely (if days after the fact), with complete interest expressed in still doing things together should I be interested.

I still think I haven’t completely lost my radar; I’m pretty certain a number of signs of attraction were there. But maybe I’m just more than he can handle conceptually, what with all the differences. Or maybe I was totally off. Who knows. Probably doesn’t matter.

Now, on to working to keep myself from believing (as I have normally done) that this response has global-scale implications about my overall desirability/worth to everyone else in the entire world…

I think I can do that. But really, sometimes I wish my mind would cut me a break and just gift me the confidence to instantly see these things as inconsequential gnat-size incidents, instead of always tending toward trying to to build it up into a maelstrom. It would be nice to not have to work so hard to keep things under control and in perspective.

Also–he’s still inviting me to go along with him on Saturday if I want. But as a positive action, when I didn’t hear from him until (now) two and a half days before said event, I went and planned something else to do on that day with someone else instead. So I at least managed to do that instead of keeping everything else open in order to wait for his response. I think it’s a bad idea to revolve my plans around vague hints offered by someone who can’t commit to a plan, or thinks I have no life and can just wait around for their whim. Been there, done that. Not anymore. I’m not gonna wait around for anyone who’s being ambivalent about wanting to spend time with me, whether friend or date.

Your opinion is requested. All of your opinions; but most especially if you are a male, because clearly I can not figure you guys out.

Okay. So given that I’d put myself on an extended dating hiatus during the last few years, it may be my skills are rusty, but not so rusty that I don’t generally recognize at least some signs of interest. But I’ve been mulling this one over in my head for a while and I’m not sure what to think. And it bugs me. Maybe you can offer an opinion. Here are the facts as they stand:

1) I met a particular male of species (MOS) who I find visually attractive a couple of months back through a few friend-group events at nightclubs.

2) MOS has progressively begun to speak to me more and more at these events.

3) MOS has recently (over the last 2-3 weeks) developed a lengthy email habit with me (by this I mean the emails are long in length, covering a variety of topics we’re both interested in; and occur at least a couple of times a week) in which many get-to-know-me-better conversations are shared. These include mentions of life philosophies, politics, light jokes about sex, and the mailing of article links that he thinks might spur my interest if I haven’t written in a few days.

4) The emails also generally suggest doing various activities (“this is coming up next saturday,” “I read about this cool play I’m interested in,” “I’d be interested in going to that thing you mentioned,” but fall short of the traditionally obvious, “Will you go out with me on said date?”

5) While some of the email conversation has skirted around some sex and relationship related topics, and some of that has been jokey, nothing has been *directly* flirty (as in, I’ve given him some conversational openings that would have allowed him to flirt jokingly about me in particular to indicate personal interest in me, and he hasn’t taken the bait–he keeps the topic generic and not personal).

6) In the last email exchange, MOS gives me a rundown of what’s happened with him since the weekend and mentions that at a club last week, after having a few drinks, he arranged to go on a date with a girl, which he did on Wednesday, but it turned out the girl “is not his type” and that he should have known better than to ask someone out at a club after a few drinks because compatibility judgment can be impaired.

7) There were plans being made to go out with usual friends’ group tonight. MOS expressed interest to me about knowing what I was doing before major group activity, and thought he might want to go along (I was planning on going to dinner with a friend); asked me to keep him informed.

8) On day of potential dinner, I emailed MOS to let him know other friend had bailed on dinner due to acceptable excuse, but that I would still be willing to go to dinner with him if he felt like it; he should please inform. (This would allow him his first opportunity for real alone time with me if he wanted to take it.)

9) MOS did not answer email all day.

10) I wrote at end of work day to say I was assuming he wouldn’t be able to make dinner based on not hearing so here was the time we’d be at the event and I’d see him there. (It was already confirmed he was going to said event.) Provided my numbers in case he had any questions re the plans.

11) That evening, I am getting myself done up to go to event; about an hour before I need to leave the house–too late to have dinner at that point. MOS calls. (I am surprised by this.) MOS says he wanted to let me know he only just got my email just then. I am pleasant and say no worries, no problem at all (and I mean it), we’ll just see him there. MOS pauses and then tells me what time he plans to be there. I say okay. MOS seems flustered, like he’s not sure what to say next, but appears to not want to get off the phone. I ask him a few polite questions; which he starts answering. Then I suggest we finish the conversation at the event. We hang up.

12) At event, MOS spends time with other friends, but appears to be taking opportunities to talk to me alone. When I go to the bar to buy a drink for myself and a friend, two minutes later he is at the bar to, so he says, order a drink for himself and while he’s at it order one for our other friend in common  (a female, married). But instead  he talks to me for probably 20 minutes and does not order a drink; lets the bartender ignore him. Finally bartender asks him directly what he wants and he orders a drink for the friend and just pours himself a glass of water.

13) Other similar things happen throughout the night. For inst, I leave the group, who is dancing, to sit down at a booth and wait out a song I don’t particularly like. He follows and sits down in booth with me. Talks with me for long time. At another point, I indicate to the group that I am going to the bar to get some water. He says he thinks he will join me. More talking. Etc. 

14) However, NO FLIRTING during any of these conversations. Just pleasant conversation, sometimes deep stuff, sometimes clever sarcasm, sometimes jokes…like that. But never even a slightly direct flirt. 

15) He re-points out to me (just pointed out in an email the day before) that a bi-monthly arts event that I had mentioned a while back that I wanted to check out next time around is next Saturday and that he is planning on going to it. But he does not DIRECTLY ask if I want to go with him;  the tone is more like he is just letting me know it is happening and he is going. It seems I’m open to invite myself along, but it seems he is avoiding asking, “Do you want to go with me?” It is an extremely casual mention, and quickly dropped when I offer a kind of vague “Oh yeah, that is coming up isn’t it; I was reading about the theme” response (because I feel weird inserting myself in someone else’s plans if I can’t tell if they’re really into me being there).

16) Throughout the night, MOS shows no interest in trying to meet or speak to any other women at the event besides me (other than our married friend); and there are many women available there to meet–an opportunity that another male in our group takes full advantage of.

17) Toward the end of the night, he spends a some time dancing with our married friend, but at the end of the night, comes back around to dance with and talk to me before he leaves. 

18) As we leave, I offer MOS a ride to a metro stop (out of the way for me, but more safe for him, because otherwise he has to run to catch the very last metro of the night near the venue we’re at before it leaves and he’s stuck–and time is short). Note: this would allow him his SECOND opportunity for real alone time with me if he wanted to take it.

19) MOS turns down the offer and opts to grab the one that is a closer walk to the club (but that he has to dash to and may miss).

So–opinions? Is he interested? Confused? Trying to suss out my level of interest first before jumping in there? Just being polite to an old chick? And should I even be concerned about this given the age difference? OR given that I really want a guy who has the confidence and fortitude to come out and say if he likes me and wants to go on a date? I really don’t want to have to do all the work yet again. I want to be pursued. Obviously pursued, so there’s no doubt.