Category — sad

I don’t know why I’m bothering because at this point I’m sure no one’s reading anymore.

Tonight I’m feeling pretty miserable. Rule 1: don’t watch romantic comedies during PMS-danger-zone times of the month. Rule 2: don’t cancel social plans due to rainy weather in order to sit at home watching romantic comedies during PMS-danger-zone times of the month.

All I can say is tonight I’m tired. Not usually. Usually I’m hopeful. But tonight, I feel tired. There’s been a long road with lots of walking and lots of tasks and lots of little victories gathered from unexpected nests along the way like precious little blue speckled eggs into a wicker basket. I look down at the accumluation and I am grateful. I really am. But it’s taken a lot of work and my feet are tired.

So I’m just putting out there, that maybe once in a while, I’d like a big victory. Like right now, for instance. A big victory, delivered fast, with no work, and delivered to me by someone who wouldn’t mind staying for a spell. Actually, not just who wouldn’t mind–someone who really thinks staying for a spell would be the best thing in the world they could ever imagine. 

I’m sick of being lonely and I want to remember what it feels like to be wanted. By someone I want, that is.

I’m also sick of being at a loss of who I’d feel okay calling and telling this to other than a blog. I miss my best friends. I mean, they’re all still alive, of course. But I mean I miss them the way they were before, when they had the time to care and to rank me among their primary people to care about.

When I was twenty and standing in some pub in Galway laughing with my best friend in the world, being unexpectedly serenaded by men on a stage with guitars, I never imagined this picture, this future me, this me I am now, typing this tonight.

And I wonder if anything beautiful and rare like that would ever happen again for me, no longer being a twenty-year-old girl. And I wish I’d appreciated it more back then. Those dumb little romantic things in life.

That is all.